Tamara's Journeys

Journeys as great as the destinations.

Friday Funnies

February 16th, 2018

It’s a little-known fact that the 2018 Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang were specifically organized so they would coincide with the UK’s National Pun Day – an under-publicized event which took place on February 12. And a day which the International Olympic Committee are surprisingly keen to raise the profile of. Really.

After all, we all enjoy the Winter Olympics. From the jaw-dropping skills of the half-pipe to the excitement of the skiers and skeleton bobbers. This year seems to be the year of go-big-or-go-home snowboard big air as well! Another thing I enjoy nearly as much as the Winter Olympics is making bad puns about the Winter Olympics. Here it goes:

The Olympic skiing started really well but it was all downhill from there.

It turns out when the Russians said “dope” they weren’t just pretending to be cool in front of the snowboarders.

Fourth place in the Olympic luge? You win some, you luge some.

I’m a huge fan of Skeleton Bob. I liked Living Bob too, but he’s really mellowed out since he died and lost his flesh.

I went to the Winter Olympics with 3,000 cans of hair spray. Turns out Big Hair isn’t one of the events.

My favorite Winter Olympic event is the one where two opposing teams go on the ice, pass the puck to each other, pay each other compliments, and make everyone involved feel good about themselves. Nice hockey.

My friend has bought three snowboards and now he can’t stop. He’s on a very slippery slope.

The Speed Skaters refused to spend much money on equipment. Cheapskates.

Wishing you a pun filled weekend!

Friday Funnies

February 9th, 2018

Give me the beach please. One of the wonderful things about being at my favorite beaches include watching the sun rise, swimming in the salt water, warm breezes on my skin, and visiting with friends. The scent and sound of the ocean makes me happy to be alive. Happy enough to make up silly jokes for you!

Why don’t oysters give to charity?… Because they’re shellfish

What does a mermaid wear to math lessons?… An algae-bra

What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Atlantic Ocean?… Nothing, it just waved

What is a blue whale’s favorite James Bond Film?… License to Krill

What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?… Show me your mussels

Where does seaweed look for a job?… In the ‘Kelp-wanted’ ads

A salmon walks into a vegetarian restaurant and the waiter says, “Sorry, we don’t serve fish.”

What did the beach say to the wave?… “Long tide, no sea.”

To all my Florida friends living near the ocean, I will always have you in my heart with a smile on my lips.

Friday Funnies

January 26th, 2018

Do you have the temperament for spicy food? For some people, it just comes naturally to eat food that’s hotter than hot. For people like me, it’s like being asked to ingest poison. Here’s a words of wisdom: if you don’t particularly have a tolerance for spicy stuff, you shouldn’t sign up to judge spicy food contests. I shouldn’t have at work on Thursday. I left feeling HOT! HOT! HOT! I think you’ll agree this man was in over his head too when he agreed to sign up for this chili cook-off:

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.

“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQflavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  (This poor guy!)

CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.

Thank goodness West Hills Chili #16 wasn’t quite that extreme! Have a great weekend. I’ll be off for two weeks during my move. Keep smiling though and be aware of anyone asking you to be a chili cook-off judge.

 

Friday Funnies

January 19th, 2018

Today fell apart from the get go! 1) First change at 7am when I swapped patient F for patient N. with another therapist 2) Second change my 10am patient D was taken to ER so I had an unexpected opening. 3) My 9am patient J didn’t show so I called her and she was still in bed and didn’t want to come at 10am. Another unexpected cancellation. 4) My original patient F was given back to me to fill in my 10am time slot, but at 10am he was headed to Rosary and I had to fit him in later. 5) The afternoon changed too with my 12:30 patient canceling for some reason, so I called my 2:30 patient D to come at 12:30. He could not but could come at 1:30. 6) Sixth change I contacted my 1:30pm patient I and asked if she would come at 12:30. Great. 7) 12:30 arrived and NO patient. I called patient I and she’d forgotten our conversation 2 hours prior! But she came down. 8) Final straw of the day was when my boss asked me on the way out if I could maybe change my airline ticket to leave 3 weeks later because they have too many people on vacation when I was going to Florida (to prepare for my move) and need me for coverage. WOW

All I can do is laugh! In fact this chaotic day inspired a few jokes, here is my list of ones I came up with : DISCLAIMER:  Some of these are far better than others. Don’t judge me.

I had a patient who was a dairy farmer… so I gave him a calf stretch.

I had a patient who was an engineer…. so I gave him bridges.

I had a patient who likes seafood… so I gave him clamshells.

I had a patient who said he likes spiders, so I gave him the powerweb.

I had a patient who said he likes horror films… so I gave him monster walks.

I had a patient who was a K9 officer…. so I gave him the downward dog stretch.

I had a patient who told me he was a pirate… so I gave him planks.

I had a patient who said one of the other therapists took her breath away… so I gave her diaphragmatic breathing exercises.

I had a patient who said he worked at the morgue…. so I gave him deadlifts.

I had a patient who said he was a window washer… so I gave him power cleans.

I had a patient who said he worked at a restaurant… so I gave him waiter’s tips.

I had a patient who was a clock maker… so I gave him pendulums.

I had a patient who said the front desk put him on hold… so I gave him isometrics.

I had a patient who said he was an orthodontist, so I gave him abdominal bracing.

Be kind to your therapist this week and keep laughing.

Friday Funnies

January 12th, 2018

Patience is a virtue, especially when you’re waiting for the punchline of a good joke. Every now and then in life, you’ll come across someone who feels the need to make you wait a few minutes until they get to the punchline. Sometimes it’s me …

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living. He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air – but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.

“You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat; we’re strapping you in and doing this now.” Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”

 

One day Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: “I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”

The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.” “That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :  “Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”

 

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. “What are these guys in the big suits doing?”

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder’s message.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man’s message was: “Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land.”

 

Friday Funnies

December 29th, 2017

Every new year brings a chance to mark the passage of time, reflect on the past, and embrace the future. Some of write regrets on paper and burn them, some of us party into the wee morning hours, while others struggle to stay awake to watch the clock hands move past twelve; we make resolutions, only to soon break them; we promise to do better, try harder, be better, but oftentimes fall short, or life, itself, gets in the way.

Humor relieves the stress of life and its potpourri of experiences by augmenting the good, helping to heal the inevitable scars of time, and pointing out life’s absurdities. Humor allows us to not take ourselves or our lives too seriously. It helps us to see the bigger picture and to develop generosity of spirit not only towards ourselves and our shortcomings but also towards others, which is certainly a good way to start a new year.

Following are some humorous quotes to start your New Year off smiling:

“New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.” Mark Twain

“Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.” Bill Vaughn

“Leave the sorrows, pain, and sadness behind and let’s welcome the brand New Year with a smile.”

“Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.” Anonymous

 

Friday Funnies

December 15th, 2017

For Christians, the birth of Jesus Christ has a deep spiritual significance, but that does not mean to say that we don’t enjoy jokes at Christmas:

 

Did you hear about the St Michael’s School nativity play? Two children were dressed as Mary and Joseph, and making their way to the inn at Bethlehem. Meanwhile on the other side of the stage, a lad in a shepherd’s outfit was on a mobile phone calling the inn to make a reservation.

 

It was the Sunday after Christmas at Mulliken United Methodist Church in Mulliken, Michigan. The Pastor was looking getting ready to pack away the nativity scene figures when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the scene. Immediately, Pastor Vaughn turned towards his phone in order to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Harry with a red wagon. And in the wagon was the little infant Jesus figure. Pastor Vaughn walked up to Harry and said, ‘Well, Harry, where did you get the little infant Jesus?’ Harry replied honestly, ‘I took him from the church, Pastor.’ ‘And why did you take him?’ With a sheepish smile, Harry said, ‘Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.’

 

Young Andrew was watching his father, a Vicar, write a sermon for the Christmas service. ‘How do you know what to say?’ Andrew asked. ‘Why, God tells me’, the father replied. ‘Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?’

Friday Funnies

December 8th, 2017

Have you ever heard of the Heavenly Air Force? Or maybe the Angel Harold? Probably not. But if you have children or grandchildren, or you work with kids, you can likely guess how such terms originated. As we all know, kids say the darndest things! 

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? -You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. — Alan, age 10 

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?  You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. — Derrick, age 8 

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? -When they’re rich. — Pam, age 7 

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. — Anita, age 9 (bless you child) 

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?  — Kelvin, age 8 

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.  — Ricky, age 10

 

Friday Funnies

December 1st, 2017

Cringe worthy jokes & riddles to share at holiday parties ~ Tis the Season!

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. Clerk: “What denomination?” Woman: “Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic.”

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery factory is now fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

A merry Christmas to Ewe, and Ewe and Ewe!

Friday Funnies

November 17th, 2017

This weekend I will be attending the Lille Norge Fest. It’s a celebration of Norwegian Lutherans, Lefse and Lutefisk. In case you are unfamiliar with this Norwegian delicacy, let these give you an inkling. Poor lutefisk, that quavering smelly dollop of codfish-flavored Jell-O and today the butt of so many jokes.

Ole and Lena were sitting on the porch and smelled an awful smell. “There must be a skunk under the porch!” exclaimed Lena. “Well,” said Ole, “just throw some lutefisk down there. It’ll be gone in no time.” Lena considers this and says, “Ooo, well, I don’t mind the skunk that much.”

Ole, Sven and Lars die in a tragic Lutefisk dinner accident. They are met by God on the stairway to heaven. God says, “There are 3,000 steps to heaven. It’s very serious up there. I’ll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell.” So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, Lars laughs out loud and goes straight to hell. Ole and Sven look at each other nervously. On the 2,000th step God tells another joke, Sven tries his best but laughs and goes to straight to hell. On the 3,000th step God tells the last and best joke, Ole doesn’t laugh and proceeds to the gate. Suddenly, Ole bursts out laughing hysterically. God asks, “What are you laughing about?”. Ole replies, “Oh that’s funny. I just got the first joke!”.

To be honest, lefse and lutefisk are white and bland and simple. Their humble, long-storing ingredients are the flavor of poverty and survival, of northern climate a with short growing season.

Lefse started out as an unremarkable flour pastry. It’s believed the potatoes—the ingredient that makes this food really special—only became an element when Norwegians traveled to Ireland, where potatoes were a staple and more plentiful and nutritious than flour.

Lutefisk origin stories, on the other hand, are all over the map. Both Norwegians and Swedes claim to have invented it. One legend says some dried cod fell into a vat of lye by accident, but the people were too poor to throw it out, so they rinsed it off and ate it anyway, eventually finding that soaking in lye was better than water at rehydrating the cardboard-like dried fish.  

Today, Norwegians across the Dakota Territories eat these foods around the holidays to remember the old ways. Here you can find lutefisk suppers in church and lodge basements every weekend throughout the winter. Wish me luck!

 

 

Friday Funnies

October 20th, 2017

I’m flying to visit my family tomorrow morning for a week. This will prove to be full of fun memories, such as over the summer. Many summer days my Dad found himself spending them with his grandchildren. The kids always wanted to play ball and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game.  Heather came outside one day and witnessed her father take a fake shot as Gavin pointed a water gun and yelled, “Bang!”  Grandpa slumped to the ground and stayed there motionless. My sister rushed over to see if he was all right. Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ”Shhh, I always do this. It’s the only chance I get to rest.” 

 

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts. In fact, there are a few teenagers in the family and I’m convinced raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree. And another thing, if you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

My cousin Neese decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. “Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?” “Then I’ll be sure my family visits me twice a week.”

 

 

 

Friday Funnies

October 13th, 2017

Birthdays are a fact of life and a chance to share cake with everyone. Yesterday a CNA I work with had a birthday and handed me a nice piece of cake. I thanked her and giggled as I asked her if she was 29 again. She replied, “No, I’m just turning 28.” Oh my! True story and I was mortified. Birthdays are meant to have fun even if they’re at my expense. I hope you find the rest of these birthday jokes funny:

One of the benefits of getting older is that all your favorite movies are being re-released in color.

After 40 when you get two invitations to go out on the same night, you pick the event that will get you home the earliest.

After 40 you realize you were meant for comfort and not for speed.

The oldest sister Valerie brought her brother a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the brother shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, “A bottle of vinegar?” Valerie replied, “No.” Again, Vaughn touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. “A bottle of green tea?” His sister replied again, “No.” Finally, Vaughn asked, “I give up. What is it?” Valerie responded, “A puppy.” (wink)

And after 40 you sing along with elevator music.

These “over 40” birthday jokes are loving told and dedicated to my sister Tara celebrating her birthday today, and my sister Heather and brother Vaughn who are all having “over 40” birthdays tomorrow. May you each have a wonderful birthday and the joy last all year.

Friday Funnies

September 29th, 2017

I have buffalo on my mind…for good reason. I’m getting ready for the 52nd Annual Buffalo Roundup today. I’ll report more on that Sunday. Until then, please enjoy this bundle of buffalo funnies:

Q: What did mama buffalo say when her youngest went off to college?
A: “Bison!”

Q: What do you find between the hooves of buffaloes?
A: Slow buffalo hunters.

Q: What time is it when a buffalo sits in your canoe?
A: Time to get a new canoe.

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a buffalo walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the buffalo’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the buffalo. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a buffalo sitting next to him. “Are you a buffalo?” asked the man, surprised. “Yes.” “What are you doing at the movies?” The buffalo replied, “Well, I liked the book.”

A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a baby buffalo in the front seat. “What are you doing with that buffalo?” He exclaimed, “You should take it to the zoo.” The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the buffalo again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. “I thought you were going to take that buffalo to the zoo!” The man replied, “I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”

Friday Funnies

September 22nd, 2017

It’s that glorious time of year when rural communities are planning their harvest festivals. I really enjoy country harvest fests and seeing all the vegetables, crafts and animals. We are fortunate to live in a country with good food security and jokes about it:

A Vicar at the Spearfish Harvest Festival had arranged all the vegetables in front of the Altar. He asked the children if they could name them. The replies were potatoes, cabbage, carrots, broccoli, and rutabaga. So he asked if they could use one word to cover them all. A little boy held his hand up and replied ” Gravy”

A farmer turned up to evening service and discovers that he and the pastor are the only people there.  “What shall we do?”, asks the pastor. “Well”, replies the farmer, “If I goes to feed my sheep and only one turns up, I feeds her.” So after four hymns , two sung canticles, one sung psalm,  two lessons, prayers for everything under the sun  and a twenty minute sermon the service ends. “If I goes to feed my sheep and only one turns up, I feeds her”, says the farmer on the way out, “but I don’t give her the whole bag full!””

May your heart be filled abundantly this season.

 

Friday Funnies

September 15th, 2017

In case you haven’t heard, wildfires have been widespread in most of the western United States and Canada this year. Not only do the wildfires bring untold damage and destruction to the area, but the smoke creates its own health and pollution problems to those of us close enough. Just today I heard about 6 fires in and around Custer State Park and Wind Cave. One of those stories was actually amusing enough to share:

One dark night last week outside Hot Springs a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.” But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company, composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?” “Vell,” said Ole Oleson, the 70-year-old fire chief, “Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat truck!”

http://wildfiretoday.com/tag/south-dakota/

 

 

Friday Funnies

September 8th, 2017

In the midst of preparing for Hurricane Irma to arrive, a friend in Boca found it humorous that he had been so concerned for me being in South Dakota with rattlesnakes. This must be the only instance a person would say they were happy to be in a land filled with rattlesnakes instead of being on the beach in South Florida. It made me realize how important humor is at all times – so here are a few more hurricane jokes to keep us smiling while we wait for her arrival:

Q: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
A: Hang onto your leaves, this will be no ordinary breeze.

Q: Why do they call some storms Tropical Depressions?
A: Because it’s a storm that is suffering from a “Depression” because it couldn’t become a hurricane.

Q: What do you get if you a cross a card game with a hurricane?
A: Bridge over troubled water.

A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn’t take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat’s owner, Dr. Smythe and the steward, Marcus who managed to swim to the closest island.
After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. Dr. Smythe on the other hand was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.
“Dr. Smythe, Dr. Smythe, how can you be so calm?” cried Marcus. “We’re going to die on this lonely island. We’ll never be discovered here.”
“Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Marcus.” began the confident Dr. Smythe.
“Five years ago, I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to my church. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, I did very well in the stock market, so I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year, business was good, so the two charities each got a million dollars.” stated Dr. Smythe.
“So what?” shouted Marcus.
“Well, it’s time for their annual fundraising drives, and I know they’re going to find me!” smiled Dr. Smythe.

Friday Funnies

September 1st, 2017

Sometimes the funniest moments are posted all around us. For example:

·        A sign in a shoe repair store in Vancouver that read: “We will heel you. We will save your sole. We will even dye for you.”

·        Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

·        In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

·        On a Septic Tank Truck: “Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels”

·        At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

·        On a Plumber’s truck : “We repair what your husband fixed.”

·        On another Plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

·        At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : “Invite us to your next blowout.”

·        On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

·        In a Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

·        On a Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

·        At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

·        Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

·        In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

·        At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”

·        In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

·        In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

·        At a Propane Filling Station:”Thank Heaven for little grills.”

·        In a Chicago Radiator Shop:”Best place in town to take aleak”

·        And the best one for last…Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:”Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises.”

 

 

Friday Funnies

August 25th, 2017

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the man, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The man below responded, “You must be a manager.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know.”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

Tamara's Journeys

Journeys as great as the destinations.