Tamara's Journeys

Journeys as great as the destinations.

Friday Funnies

November 17th, 2017

This weekend I will be attending the Lille Norge Fest. It’s a celebration of Norwegian Lutherans, Lefse and Lutefisk. In case you are unfamiliar with this Norwegian delicacy, let these give you an inkling. Poor lutefisk, that quavering smelly dollop of codfish-flavored Jell-O and today the butt of so many jokes.

Ole and Lena were sitting on the porch and smelled an awful smell. “There must be a skunk under the porch!” exclaimed Lena. “Well,” said Ole, “just throw some lutefisk down there. It’ll be gone in no time.” Lena considers this and says, “Ooo, well, I don’t mind the skunk that much.”

Ole, Sven and Lars die in a tragic Lutefisk dinner accident. They are met by God on the stairway to heaven. God says, “There are 3,000 steps to heaven. It’s very serious up there. I’ll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell.” So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, Lars laughs out loud and goes straight to hell. Ole and Sven look at each other nervously. On the 2,000th step God tells another joke, Sven tries his best but laughs and goes to straight to hell. On the 3,000th step God tells the last and best joke, Ole doesn’t laugh and proceeds to the gate. Suddenly, Ole bursts out laughing hysterically. God asks, “What are you laughing about?”. Ole replies, “Oh that’s funny. I just got the first joke!”.

To be honest, lefse and lutefisk are white and bland and simple. Their humble, long-storing ingredients are the flavor of poverty and survival, of northern climate a with short growing season.

Lefse started out as an unremarkable flour pastry. It’s believed the potatoes—the ingredient that makes this food really special—only became an element when Norwegians traveled to Ireland, where potatoes were a staple and more plentiful and nutritious than flour.

Lutefisk origin stories, on the other hand, are all over the map. Both Norwegians and Swedes claim to have invented it. One legend says some dried cod fell into a vat of lye by accident, but the people were too poor to throw it out, so they rinsed it off and ate it anyway, eventually finding that soaking in lye was better than water at rehydrating the cardboard-like dried fish.  

Today, Norwegians across the Dakota Territories eat these foods around the holidays to remember the old ways. Here you can find lutefisk suppers in church and lodge basements every weekend throughout the winter. Wish me luck!

 

 

Friday Funnies

October 20th, 2017

I’m flying to visit my family tomorrow morning for a week. This will prove to be full of fun memories, such as over the summer. Many summer days my Dad found himself spending them with his grandchildren. The kids always wanted to play ball and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game.  Heather came outside one day and witnessed her father take a fake shot as Gavin pointed a water gun and yelled, “Bang!”  Grandpa slumped to the ground and stayed there motionless. My sister rushed over to see if he was all right. Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ”Shhh, I always do this. It’s the only chance I get to rest.” 

 

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts. In fact, there are a few teenagers in the family and I’m convinced raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree. And another thing, if you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

My cousin Neese decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. “Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?” “Then I’ll be sure my family visits me twice a week.”

 

 

 

Friday Funnies

October 13th, 2017

Birthdays are a fact of life and a chance to share cake with everyone. Yesterday a CNA I work with had a birthday and handed me a nice piece of cake. I thanked her and giggled as I asked her if she was 29 again. She replied, “No, I’m just turning 28.” Oh my! True story and I was mortified. Birthdays are meant to have fun even if they’re at my expense. I hope you find the rest of these birthday jokes funny:

One of the benefits of getting older is that all your favorite movies are being re-released in color.

After 40 when you get two invitations to go out on the same night, you pick the event that will get you home the earliest.

After 40 you realize you were meant for comfort and not for speed.

The oldest sister Valerie brought her brother a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the brother shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, “A bottle of vinegar?” Valerie replied, “No.” Again, Vaughn touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. “A bottle of green tea?” His sister replied again, “No.” Finally, Vaughn asked, “I give up. What is it?” Valerie responded, “A puppy.” (wink)

And after 40 you sing along with elevator music.

These “over 40” birthday jokes are loving told and dedicated to my sister Tara celebrating her birthday today, and my sister Heather and brother Vaughn who are all having “over 40” birthdays tomorrow. May you each have a wonderful birthday and the joy last all year.

Friday Funnies

September 29th, 2017

I have buffalo on my mind…for good reason. I’m getting ready for the 52nd Annual Buffalo Roundup today. I’ll report more on that Sunday. Until then, please enjoy this bundle of buffalo funnies:

Q: What did mama buffalo say when her youngest went off to college?
A: “Bison!”

Q: What do you find between the hooves of buffaloes?
A: Slow buffalo hunters.

Q: What time is it when a buffalo sits in your canoe?
A: Time to get a new canoe.

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a buffalo walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the buffalo’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the buffalo. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a buffalo sitting next to him. “Are you a buffalo?” asked the man, surprised. “Yes.” “What are you doing at the movies?” The buffalo replied, “Well, I liked the book.”

A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a baby buffalo in the front seat. “What are you doing with that buffalo?” He exclaimed, “You should take it to the zoo.” The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the buffalo again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. “I thought you were going to take that buffalo to the zoo!” The man replied, “I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”

Friday Funnies

September 22nd, 2017

It’s that glorious time of year when rural communities are planning their harvest festivals. I really enjoy country harvest fests and seeing all the vegetables, crafts and animals. We are fortunate to live in a country with good food security and jokes about it:

A Vicar at the Spearfish Harvest Festival had arranged all the vegetables in front of the Altar. He asked the children if they could name them. The replies were potatoes, cabbage, carrots, broccoli, and rutabaga. So he asked if they could use one word to cover them all. A little boy held his hand up and replied ” Gravy”

A farmer turned up to evening service and discovers that he and the pastor are the only people there.  “What shall we do?”, asks the pastor. “Well”, replies the farmer, “If I goes to feed my sheep and only one turns up, I feeds her.” So after four hymns , two sung canticles, one sung psalm,  two lessons, prayers for everything under the sun  and a twenty minute sermon the service ends. “If I goes to feed my sheep and only one turns up, I feeds her”, says the farmer on the way out, “but I don’t give her the whole bag full!””

May your heart be filled abundantly this season.

 

Friday Funnies

September 15th, 2017

In case you haven’t heard, wildfires have been widespread in most of the western United States and Canada this year. Not only do the wildfires bring untold damage and destruction to the area, but the smoke creates its own health and pollution problems to those of us close enough. Just today I heard about 6 fires in and around Custer State Park and Wind Cave. One of those stories was actually amusing enough to share:

One dark night last week outside Hot Springs a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.” But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company, composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?” “Vell,” said Ole Oleson, the 70-year-old fire chief, “Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat truck!”

http://wildfiretoday.com/tag/south-dakota/

 

 

Friday Funnies

September 8th, 2017

In the midst of preparing for Hurricane Irma to arrive, a friend in Boca found it humorous that he had been so concerned for me being in South Dakota with rattlesnakes. This must be the only instance a person would say they were happy to be in a land filled with rattlesnakes instead of being on the beach in South Florida. It made me realize how important humor is at all times – so here are a few more hurricane jokes to keep us smiling while we wait for her arrival:

Q: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
A: Hang onto your leaves, this will be no ordinary breeze.

Q: Why do they call some storms Tropical Depressions?
A: Because it’s a storm that is suffering from a “Depression” because it couldn’t become a hurricane.

Q: What do you get if you a cross a card game with a hurricane?
A: Bridge over troubled water.

A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn’t take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat’s owner, Dr. Smythe and the steward, Marcus who managed to swim to the closest island.
After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. Dr. Smythe on the other hand was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.
“Dr. Smythe, Dr. Smythe, how can you be so calm?” cried Marcus. “We’re going to die on this lonely island. We’ll never be discovered here.”
“Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Marcus.” began the confident Dr. Smythe.
“Five years ago, I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to my church. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, I did very well in the stock market, so I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year, business was good, so the two charities each got a million dollars.” stated Dr. Smythe.
“So what?” shouted Marcus.
“Well, it’s time for their annual fundraising drives, and I know they’re going to find me!” smiled Dr. Smythe.

Friday Funnies

September 1st, 2017

Sometimes the funniest moments are posted all around us. For example:

·        A sign in a shoe repair store in Vancouver that read: “We will heel you. We will save your sole. We will even dye for you.”

·        Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

·        In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

·        On a Septic Tank Truck: “Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels”

·        At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

·        On a Plumber’s truck : “We repair what your husband fixed.”

·        On another Plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

·        At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : “Invite us to your next blowout.”

·        On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

·        In a Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

·        On a Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

·        At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

·        Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

·        In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

·        At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”

·        In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

·        In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

·        At a Propane Filling Station:”Thank Heaven for little grills.”

·        In a Chicago Radiator Shop:”Best place in town to take aleak”

·        And the best one for last…Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:”Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises.”

 

 

Friday Funnies

August 25th, 2017

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the man, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The man below responded, “You must be a manager.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know.”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

Friday Funnies

August 18th, 2017

Ahh, the county fair. Is there anything that signals the end of summer more definitively than the smell of fried cotton-candy-wrapped corn dogs and funnel cakes? I’m looking forward to enjoying the Central States Fair this weekend, but only after sharing a couple funny fair fare:

Stumpy took his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls.  They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, “This bull mated 50 times last year.” Martha poked her husband in the ribs, giggled and said, “He mated 50 times last year.”

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, “This bull mated 120 times last year.” Martha hit Stumpy and said, “That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.”

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, “This bull mated 365 times last year.” Martha got really excited and said, “That’s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.” Stumpy looked at her and said, “Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow.”

Now Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in the airplane.” And every year Martha would say, “I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

This year Stumpy and Martha came out of the bull barn and Stumpy said, “Martha, I’m 71 years old.  If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.” Martha replied, “Stumpy, the airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride.  If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”

Stumpy and Martha agree and up they go.  The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.  He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.  They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.” Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”

Friday Funnies

August 11th, 2017

The average age of people living in Westhills Village community in Rapid City is 85. Recently, one of the residents turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Everyone showed up, including his son from Florida. “How old are you?” one of the residents asked the son. “I’m 81 years old,” he answered. The resident shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”

Seeing my patient was wearing a new locket, I asked if there was a memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” said Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.” “Hmm. Your husband’s still alive.” “I know, but his hair is gone!”

Police in Delray Beach, Florida, raided and shut down a weekly $4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four elderly women. The Kings Point Gazette asked its readers for titles of crime movies that could be made about this bust:

Golden Girls, Interrupted

The Lavender Hair Mob

Indicting Miss Daisy

No Country for Old Women

The Social Security Network

 

 

Friday Funnies

August 4th, 2017

Back when hard-partying outlaw bikers dominated the Sturgis motorcycle rally, there was a running joke, always delivered in a sarcastic tone: Most of the bearded, tattooed, leather-clad bikers, the joke, went, were really “doctors and lawyers and dentists.” From what I heard, there will be a few cowboys at the annual rally this weekend, too.

This is another’s photographers photo from last year’s rally.

You know what happened to one cowboy a few years ago?

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. ‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’ St. Peter asked. ‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered.  “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.  I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ….  Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.  I yelled – Now, back off!! Or I’ll kick the crap out of all of you!”. St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”. The cowboy “Just a couple of minutes ago”.

And that’s just one reason I’ll be steering clear of Sturgis this weekend. Be safe and be smiling.

Friday Funnies

July 28th, 2017

Expressing love and gratitude to those in my family celebrating wedding anniversaries within the next couple weeks with these anniversary funnies. Always keep laughter alive in your marriage.

A husband and wife were coming up on their 56th wedding anniversary. Knowing his wife loved antiques, Dan bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her. When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish. The wife wished for an all-expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband. Shazam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc. The husband, however, jokingly wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger. Shazam! Instantly he turned 93 years old.

On their 30th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, David was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. “Tell us David, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with Angie?” David responded, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”

Jacson and Valerie are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 15th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public-address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!” Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane landed safely on the island. An hour later Jacson turns to Valerie and asks, “Valerie, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?” “No, sweetheart,” she responds. Jacson, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Valerie, did we pay our American Express card yet?” “Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says. “One last thing, Valerie. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks. “Oh, forgive me, Jacson,” begged Valerie. “I didn’t send that one, either.” Jacson grabbed her and gave her the biggest kiss in 15 years. Valerie pulled away and asked him, “What was that for?” Jacson answered, “They’ll find us!”

Friday Funnies

July 21st, 2017

A lot of hail fell north of Rapid City Tuesday evening. The Black Hills are notorious for hail. This is because the freezing level is closer to the ground than in the plains of central and eastern South Dakota. We should get a break from the hail as dry skies are forecasted for the rest of the week, which leaves me laughing:

A blonde was driving across South Dakota one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a bad hail storm. The hailstones were the size of golf balls. Her car was dented beyond description.

The next day, she took it to a repair shop. Noticing that she was blonde, the technician decided to have some fun.

He told her to take the car home and blow real hard into the tailpipe and the dents would pop out.

When she got home, she started blowing into the tailpipe as she was instructed. At that moment, her blonde girlfriend drove by and saw her puffing on the tailpipe.

Thinking the worst, the friend was startled and said, “What are you doing?”

She said that the man at the body shop told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would pop out.

Her girlfriend said, “Well, duhhhhhh! You need to roll up the windows first!”

 

Friday Funnies

June 30th, 2017

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel dates. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

After arriving the husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.  

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: 

To: My Loving Wife Subject: I’ve Arrived Date: April 13, 2017

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

 

Friday Funnies

June 16th, 2017

I’ve learned more about Michigan’s logging history this week. By 1880, Michigan was producing as much lumber a its 3 neighboring states combined. But, enough with the facts. Trees are our best antiques. Help me honor them with some tree related Friday Funnies:

How do trees access the internet? They log on.
What did the tree do when the bank closed? It started its own branch.
Why did the pine tree get in trouble? Because it was being knotty.
What did the trees wear to Mother Nature’s pool party? Swimming trunks!
Do you want a brief explanation of an acorn? In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.
What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
How do you properly identify a dogwood tree? By the bark!

Walk tall as the trees and keep the sun in your heart this weekend.

Friday Funnies

May 26th, 2017

Job hunting is serious business, but I need an occasional break for a good laugh. Even if you find out you don’t get the job you wanted, it doesn’t have to keep you down. Here are three jokes to help you feel better:

A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day. “Doc, there’s something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby’s high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that’s wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?” “Sure!” The doctor said, “Get a job.  You have way too much time on your hands!”

Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.

A store owner was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up on his left and erected a huge sign which read, “BEST DEALS.” He was shocked when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading, “LOWEST PRICES.” Panic ensued until he had an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read, “MAIN ENTRANCE.”

Happy & safe Memorial Day weekend everyone!

 

 

Tamara's Journeys

Journeys as great as the destinations.