Tamara's Journeys

Journeys as great as the destinations.

Friday Funnies

June 16th, 2017

I’ve learned more about Michigan’s logging history this week. By 1880, Michigan was producing as much lumber a its 3 neighboring states combined. But, enough with the facts. Trees are our best antiques. Help me honor them with some tree related Friday Funnies:

How do trees access the internet? They log on.
What did the tree do when the bank closed? It started its own branch.
Why did the pine tree get in trouble? Because it was being knotty.
What did the trees wear to Mother Nature’s pool party? Swimming trunks!
Do you want a brief explanation of an acorn? In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.
What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
How do you properly identify a dogwood tree? By the bark!

Walk tall as the trees and keep the sun in your heart this weekend.

Friday Funnies

May 26th, 2017

Job hunting is serious business, but I need an occasional break for a good laugh. Even if you find out you don’t get the job you wanted, it doesn’t have to keep you down. Here are three jokes to help you feel better:

A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day. “Doc, there’s something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby’s high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that’s wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?” “Sure!” The doctor said, “Get a job.  You have way too much time on your hands!”

Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.

A store owner was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up on his left and erected a huge sign which read, “BEST DEALS.” He was shocked when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading, “LOWEST PRICES.” Panic ensued until he had an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read, “MAIN ENTRANCE.”

Happy & safe Memorial Day weekend everyone!

 

 

Friday Funnies

May 19th, 2017

How many times have you laughed at a movie depicting two people not fully understanding each other due to language barrier? I am sure so many and in fact this is a favorite topic at work where the staff and patients are Asian with various languages spoken including Japanese, Cantonese, Mandarin, Tonkinese, Filipino, Ilocano and something called Chuukese from Micronesia. Talk about a language barrier comedy session! (and possibilities for unintended medical errors) The only thing they agree on is RICE.

Consider this conversation between a man speaking Pigeon trying to explain to a sales lady at the Honolulu Star that they’d gotten his classified ad wrong. “Hello, this is Classifieds, can I help you?” Customer: *with a heavy Pigeon accent* “Yays, I put een an ad, and eet sayes ‘peacock truck’ but eet should be’peacock truck'”

“The ad says ‘peacock truck’, but it should be ‘peacock truck’? I don’t understand the difference. Did they get the color wrong or something?” Customer: “No, no, peacock – eet ees not a color, eet ees a peacock, a peacock truck!”

“Sir, is there anyone else there who might be able to talk to me? I’m sorry; I can’t understand what you’re trying to tell me.” Customer: “Eet is seemple, eet ees a peacock truck – Pee, uh, ee, ee, uh…”

“Sir.. .are you trying to spell ‘pickup’? Is it a pickup truck you’re selling?” Customer: ‘Yays, yays, eet ees a peacock truck, like I say before.”

“Right, sir, I’ll fix that for you. So sorry. We’ll run the ad for two days extra, to make up for lost time”. Customer: “Thank you. Goodbye.”

The next day: “Hello, this is Classifieds, can I help you?” Customer: “Yeah, I went to look at this truck that was advertised in your paper, and it wasn’t what they said it was. It’s false advertising!”

“What was the problem? What was wrong?” Customer: ‘Well, the ad said it was a peacock truck, and I love that color. We went to see it, and it was black! That’s not peacock!”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days … and then they saw an old Jewish Rabbi, sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, “We’re lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?” “Vell, I tink so,” the old Rabbi said, “but I vouldn’t go up dat hill, und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you’d run into a big bacon tree.” “A bacon tree?” asked the wagon train leader.”Yah, ah bacon tree. Vould I lie? ….. Trust me, I vouldn’t go dere.” The leader goes back and tells his people what the Rabbi said. “So why did he say not to go there?” some pioneers asked.” Oh, you know Jewish people don’t eat bacon.” So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians are attacking from everywhere and they massacre all except the leader who manages to escape back to the old Jewish Rabbi. The near-dead man starts shouting, “You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone but me.” The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says, “Oy….. vait a minute.” He then gets on his Google Translate and plays with it a minutes and says “Oy Vey, I made myself such ah big mishtake! It vuzn’t a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush.”

Thankfully, everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection. Have a weekend full of joyous laughter.

 

 

 

 

Friday Funnies

May 5th, 2017

Recently I’ve been enjoying the British car program The Grand Tour. I know what you’re thinking, but before you judge, car programs have come a long way. The Grand Tour is a British entertainment program that is watchable by everyone, even those not auto-crazed. By watching enough episodes even you may come up with a silly car joke worthy of Friday Funnies:

A hip young Brit goes out and buys the best car available: a 2008 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?” The young man replies “A 2008 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M. “That’s a lot of money” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost so much? “Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, “Can I take a look inside? “Sure,” replies the owner. So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says “That’s a pretty nice car, all right!” Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my 16.4?” the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! “Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. “How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?” Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, “You’re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man groans and replies “Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!”

Friday Funnies

April 28th, 2017

Computer geeks are a breed apart, and as with any group of people with mutual references, they often make jokes and observations that are totally incomprehensible to outsiders. So consider this post a litmus test. If you laugh at these jokes, then you are most definitely a computer geek.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft; and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

I hope you geeks enjoyed this post as much as I did. Because now I have to return to my latest Windows 10 updates. Not funny.

 

 

Friday Funnies

April 14th, 2017

Q; What do you call a rabbit that tells jokes? A: A funny bunny.

Q; What did one Easter egg say to another? A: Heard any good yolks lately?

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose? A: Because his powder puff is on the other end!

Q: What do you call a dumb rabbit? A: A hare-brain.

Q: What kind of books do rabbits like? A: Ones with hoppy endings.

Q: What did Mr. & Mrs. Easterbunny do after their wedding? A: They went on a bunnymoon.

Happy Easter everyone!

Friday Funnies

April 7th, 2017

Q: What do you get when you cross a hula hoop and a boxer?
A: Hawaiian Punch.

Q: What do you call a Hawaiian murder mystery?
A: A Hula-Dunnit.

Q: What is a volcano always trying to get rid of?
A: It’s lava handles.

Q: Why did the Hawaii football team cross the road?
A: Because it was easier than crossing the goal line.

Hawaiian asked to use chicken nut bread (she cannot breathe) & sea shore in a sentence: “”Oi, is dis dee 911 num-bare? You must hurry dee ambulance.. my wife.. chicken nut bread and she iss having d’ sea shore!”

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Hawaii.
Hawaii who?
I’m fine, how are you?

Friday Funnies

March 31st, 2017

I know most of you are still experiencing winter, but I’m HOT in Hawaii. Yesterday my temperature gauge said 88 degrees when the radio weatherman announced, “The next two days we’ll be warming up.” What?? Warming up is what you say when it’s 30 degrees, not 88! Thankfully this is Spring and I won’t be here to experience Hawaii’s summer temperatures. Think warm and enjoy these “How Hot is It?” jokes.

It’s so hot … local Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

It’s so hot … I put bacon on my tomatoes and in 15 minutes I had a hot BLT.

It’s so hot … that Moses seems cool!

It’s so hot … I saw a Tanager bird dip his worm in a Nestea.

It’s so hot … everyone’s wearing “sweat” pants.

It’s so hot … the Hawaiian government installed a fan in their debt ceiling. (still no A/C though)

It’s so hot … the beach sand is turning to glass.

 

Friday Funnies

March 24th, 2017

Who on earth thinks these up? And who laughs at them (with me)?

•    Venison for dinner again?   Oh deer!

•    How does Moses make tea?   Hebrews it.

•    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

•    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist

•    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

•    I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic.  It’s syncing now.

•    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

•    I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

•    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

•    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

•    I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.   I just can’t put it down.

•    I did a theatrical performance about puns.   It was a play on words.

•    Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.

•    I didn’t like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.

•    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

•    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

•    Broken pencils are pointless.

•    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.

•    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

•    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Friday Funnies

March 17th, 2017

The therapist wheeled Nana out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Nana couldn’t speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so the therapist straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right to keep her upright. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the therapist stuffed pillows to keep her from leaning. Soon she started leaning forward, so the therapist grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her upright. A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, “Hi, Nana, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?” Nana took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew… “They won’t let me Otote. (fart)”

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Three mischievous tutu’s were sitting on a bench outside Wong’s nursing home, when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the tutu’s yelled out to saying, “A! we bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”  The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, You are two old fools.” One of the tutu’s said back, “Of course we can! – Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.”  Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his pants. The tutu’s told him to turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they shouted, “You’re 87 years old!”  Standing with his pants down around his ankles the old man said, “How did you guess?” Slapping their knees and smiling from ear to ear, the tutu’s laughingly yelled…“We was at your birthday party yesterday!!!”

Friday Funnies

March 10th, 2017

My first day of work in Honolulu and I was treating a patient on the lanai when ‘it’ hit me. Bird **it, that is. My patient congratulated me on my good luck. It turns out being pooped on by a bird is considered good luck?! The larger the quantity, the larger the amount of luck. This struck me as really quite funny, and inspired today’s Friday Funnies:

A “not so lucky” pirate strolls into his favorite bar and the bartender says, “Whoa, dude, what happened to you?” The pirate says, “What do you mean?”    The bartender says, “Well, for starters, you never used to have a peg leg.” “Oh, that,” replies the pirate. “Well, you see, we had a sea battle and a cannon ball blew off my leg. But the ship’s surgeon fixed me up with this peg leg and I’m as good as new.”     “Well, what about the hook?” asks the barkeep. “We had another sea battle and some guy lopped off my hand,” the pirate explains, “but the ship’s surgeon fixed me up with this hook and now I’m as good as new!”     “What about the eye patch?” asks the bartender. “One day I was on the top mast keeping watch,” says the pirate, “when an albatross flew over and pooped in my eye.”     The bartender is incredulous. “You mean to tell me that bird poop will put out your eye?” “Well,” the pirate explained, “this happened shortly after I got the hook.”

Q: Do you know what the white stuff in bird poop is? A: That’s bird poop, too. True, and still lucky.

Have a good weekend, and carry an umbrella when walking under trees with nests.

 

Friday Funnies

March 3rd, 2017

Travel can be a fun, exciting and sometimes stressful experience. Try to keep these funnies in mind next time you book a flight:

I have a feeling the flight attendant on my Seattle to Honolulu flight is going to ask me if I’ll like a meal. I’m going to ask, “What are my choices.” I fully expect to hear, “Yes or no.”

When I checked in my luggage at the Lansing airport I noticed mistletoe hanging over the counter. I couldn’t help but ask why it was there. I figured it was left over from Christmas. Instead the clerk dryly replied, “So you can kiss your luggage goodbye.”

No wonder I overheard a passenger checking in at the next scale at the Delta counter saying to the agent, “I’m flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver, and the two larger suitcases to go to Seattle.” “I’m sorry, Sir, but we can’t do that” was her response. “Why not?” You did it the last time!” He remarked.

I was finally called to board and made myself as comfortable as you can in the middle seat. The flight attendant started giving the emergency information by announcing, “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but only 4 to out of this plane.”

It’s a fact, there are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky. Say a prayer for air travelers.

Friday Funnies

February 24th, 2017

Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines to Mardi Gras. Boudreaux was flying the plane, and Pierre was in the back fooling with cargo equipment a stuff.  Their plane hit some turbulence a started bouncing around and Boudreaux got knocked unconscious. Then the plane start drifting. Pierre come ran up to the front and Boudreaux was sprawled out all over the steering wheel.  Well, Pierre didn’t know anything about flying and he start to get panicky. He grabs the microphone and holla “May Day! May Day! This is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knocked unconscious and I don’t know nuttin about flying this plane!”  “This is the control tower,” Someone answered. “Don’t you worry about nothing. We’re going to explain how you’re going to land the plane, step by step, ah gar-own-tee! Just leave anything to us. First, how high you are, and what’s you position?”  Pierre thought a minute, then said, “I’m five foot ten and I’m all day was to the front of the plane.” “No! No! No!” answered the tower. ” What’s your altitude, and your location?”  Pierre say, “Man, right now I got a poor attitude, an I’m from Thibodeaux, Louisiana!”  ” No! No! No!” came an exasperated voice. ” I need to know how many feet you got off the ground and where you are in relation to the airport!”  Pierre, he starts to panic by this time. He says, “Counting Boudreaux’s feet’s and mine together, we got four feet off the ground and I believe this plane is related to your airport!”  A long pause—–the silence was deafening. “We need to know who your next of kin.”

***********************************

“Hey man, can I borrow your lawn mower? MARDI GRAS needs cutting.”

Friday Funnies

February 17th, 2017

An Amishman lived on a quiet, rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. It became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So he called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these tourists driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”  “What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff. “I don’t care, just do something about these drivers.”         So the next day the sheriff had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later, the Amishman again called the sheriff and said, “That sign didn’t help a bit. They are still hitting my chickens.”         So the next day, the county put up a sign that said: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. Again, no change. So the Amishman called and called, every day for three weeks. Finally, he told the sheriff, “Look, your signs are just not working. Mind if I put up one of my own?” The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, let’s see if yours works better.”        He was willing to agree to anything to get him to stop those daily calls. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the Amishman. After three weeks, he decided to call the Amishman and see how things were going. “Did you put up your sign?” “Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” And he hung up the phone.        The sheriff thought to himself, “I’d better go have a look at that sign. There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers…” So the sheriff drove out to the Amishman’s house, and he saw the sign. It was on a whole sheet of plywood. Written in large, yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

*********

A young lady visited a dating service and requested, “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?” The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?”         “Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”        The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman. The results read, “Buy a television.”

Friday Funnies

February 10th, 2017

Friday Funnies

Eagle-eyed skywatchers will enjoy a rare space triple-header tonight and early Saturday morning: A “penumbral” lunar eclipse during the full “snow” moon — the flyby of a comet AND Friday Funnies!

Q: Did you hear about the great new restaurant on the moon? A: The food is excellent, but there’s no atmosphere.

Q: Why did the dairy cow jump over the moon? A: Because the farmer had cold hands!

Q: How do you know when the moon is going broke? A: When it’s down to its last quarter.

Q: Why does the Moon orbit the Earth? A: To get to the other side.

Q: Why did the moon burp? A: Because it was full!

Q: How does a man on a moon get his haircut? A: Eclipse it.

Friday Funnies

January 20th, 2017

For my last Friday Funnies from New York I’ll share some interesting facts I’ve learned while being in Upstate:

People in NY enjoy Buffalo wings, but they don’t call them that. They’re just called wings here.

Don’t ever compare Wegmans to other grocery stores in Upstate. They’re very particular about the stores they shop at, whether it’s Stewart’s, Hannaford or Price Chopper.

Where does Upstate New York start? I don’t know. You could spend an hour arguing about where NYC ends and Upstate New York begins. Ask 10 people and you’ll get 10 different opinions.

Do people here drink a lot? Oh yeah. Folks here are a rowdy bunch. Whether it’s out on the farm, at a bonfire event or at a sporting event, Upstaters pretty much make alcohol a part of their lives year-round.

Am I near Canada? Buffalo is a couple hours away and sometimes sarcastically called an extension of Montreal, and Toronto is only a 30-minute drive from the state line, so a trip to Canada is a cinch.

Do Upstaters like the Mets or Yankees? While there are a few stragglers here and there, it’s obvious that most Upstaters pull hard for the Yankees. Wouldn’t you, too, if your local team made the playoffs almost every single year?

 New York Giants or Buffalo Bills? It’s split evenly between the Bills and Giants. You’d be hard pressed to find very many Jets fans way upstate.

The worst and most annoying question to ask an Upstater is “Do you live in THE city?” Upstate NY residents know exactly how long it takes to get to THE city, and can tell you within 15 minutes how long it takes, no matter if it’s summer or there’s 2 feet of snow on the ground.

Are there many wineries in Upstate? The region has what’s been called some of the best wineries in the world. From the Finger Lakes, all the way through the Adirondack valleys, you can get everything from traditional to blueberry, cherry and raspberry wines from one of many vintners who really know their stuff. Locals believe there’s nothing like sipping wine all the time.

When trying to get around Upstate New York you can expect to get directions that involve a barn, a Wegmans and “the third road past the river” when you’re passing through or on vacation.

So if you’re planning a vacation look no further than Upstate New York for beautiful scenery, high quality wines and outdoor activities – keep in mind it might involve drinking.

 

Friday Funnies

January 6th, 2017

Being on quarantine for Norovirus is no laughing matter at any healthcare facility. The residents I treat have experienced just this for the past two weeks and things are starting to get tense. To break the tension I am telling them jokes such as these:

‘I hate to have to tell you this,” said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, “but you have unfortunately been diagnosed with the Norovirus which is highly contagious. We must quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.” “That’s terrible!” exclaimed the distraught patient, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine. And the cheese and bologna diet? What’s going on with that anyway I’ve never heard of such a diet before!” “It’s not exactly a diet,” responded the Doctor very matter of factly, “it’s just the only food that will fit under your door.” So bad!!

A man who had spent his whole life hospital isolation was finally released and went to visit a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn’t know what it was. Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the tracks, with some internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After months spent back in the hospital recovering, he was at his friend’s house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the tea kettle whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby closet and bashed the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen, saw what had happened, and asked the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good tea kettle?” The man quickly replied, “Man, you got to kill these things when they’re small.”

Tamara's Journeys

Journeys as great as the destinations.